So for about the past week, I have seriously been considering weight loss surgery. This is something that has been suggested I do since I was 20 years old, but I have NEVER wanted to do it. In fact, up until about a week ago, if someone had encouraged me to do it, I would have been offended (and I have been offended multiple times from comments of people who care about me). I've always seen surgery as "the easy way out", and I've always thought that if I am going to have a body that I TRULY love, I am going to work hard for it. In the past week, though, I have finally been able to admit to myself that I don't have control over it, and I don't think I ever will. This is a battle I have fought all of my life, and I have come to the realization that if it is possible to have a tool that will force me to make the changes I need to make, then IT IS TIME. Surgery has always been a "last resort" option (as I would hope it would be for everyone) but in the past, I never would even consider it, probably out of pride that I can do it on my own. I am willing to say now that I cannot do it on my own. So as a last resort, I need some extreme help. The surgery will do this.
But I know it will be hard.
Let me say that again, I KNOW IT WILL BE HARD. VERY HARD.
I do not have expectations that I can just go and have the surgery and life will be rainbows and butterflies and I will be so happy and my life will be perfect. I know that in the weeks prior to the surgery where I am on a liquid diet, I will be hangry. My roommate will probably hate me during that time (as long as she doesn't move out, I will be okay). You will probably want to avoid me for that time period. I will be miserable. I know in the weeks after the diet, I will be confused about how I am no longer hungry and I cannot enjoy the one thing I have turned to for comfort all of my life (food). I know I will have to work out. I know I will still have to WORK FOR IT.
Then there's the surgery. I've never really been under anesthesia, and I am nervous about it. I am nervous about the pain with the surgery and the two nights I will have to spend in the hospital. I am nervous about complications. I am nervous about how much this will change my life. And for the future, I am nervous I may not lose the weight, or that I may gain it back, or that I will lose it all and then hate my body due to extra skin. There are so many things to be worried and nervous about, which does not help my anxiety at all. However....
When I think about the surgery, I get EXCITED!
Despite all of the nervousness and anxiety surrounding it, I get excited of the possibilities of living life like someone who is not morbidly obese. I get excited of the possibilities of doing things that normal weight people never even have to think about: fitting in seats (restaurant booths, movie theaters, airplanes, arenas and other venues, etc.), seatbelts fitting, riding a rollercoaster, being somewhat athletic, being able to cross my legs, being able to buy clothes in a regular store, and so on. These are things that many people do not even think of, unless they have been overweight. It isn't about vanity, though. I just want to feel better in this body.
So with all of that said, I am currently planning on having surgery in Memphis, and I am hoping for a surgery date sometime in February 2016. Hopefully I will get to have a consult with my surgeon before Christmas. Yes, this was a quick decision, but I have never felt more sure about something in my life.
So with all of that said, with all of my worries about it and how hard I know it will be, I think one more thing...
IT WILL BE WORTH IT.
We shall see...
<3 Tara
