Decisions, Decisions

So for about the past week, I have seriously been considering weight loss surgery. This is something that has been suggested I do since I was 20 years old, but I have NEVER wanted to do it. In fact, up until about a week ago, if someone had encouraged me to do it, I would have been offended (and I have been offended multiple times from comments of people who care about me). I've always seen surgery as "the easy way out", and I've always thought that if I am going to have a body that I TRULY love, I am going to work hard for it. In the past week, though, I have finally been able to admit to myself that I don't have control over it, and I don't think I ever will. This is a battle I have fought all of my life, and I have come to the realization that if it is possible to have a tool that will force me to make the changes I need to make, then IT IS TIME. Surgery has always been a "last resort" option (as I would hope it would be for everyone) but in the past, I never would even consider it, probably out of pride that I can do it on my own. I am willing to say now that I cannot do it on my own. So as a last resort, I need some extreme help. The surgery will do this.

But I know it will be hard.

Let me say that again, I KNOW IT WILL BE HARD. VERY HARD.

I do not have expectations that I can just go and have the surgery and life will be rainbows and butterflies and I will be so happy and my life will be perfect. I know that in the weeks prior to the surgery where I am on a liquid diet, I will be hangry. My roommate will probably hate me during that time (as long as she doesn't move out, I will be okay). You will probably want to avoid me for that time period. I will be miserable. I know in the weeks after the diet, I will be confused about how I am no longer hungry and I cannot enjoy the one thing I have turned to for comfort all of my life (food). I know I will have to work out. I know I will still have to WORK FOR IT.

Then there's the surgery. I've never really been under anesthesia, and I am nervous about it. I am nervous about the pain with the surgery and the two nights I will have to spend in the hospital. I am nervous about complications. I am nervous about how much this will change my life. And for the future, I am nervous I may not lose the weight, or that I may gain it back, or that I will lose it all and then hate my body due to extra skin. There are so many things to be worried and nervous about, which does not help my anxiety at all. However....

When I think about the surgery, I get EXCITED!

Despite all of the nervousness and anxiety surrounding it, I get excited of the possibilities of living life like someone who is not morbidly obese. I get excited of the possibilities of doing things that normal weight people never even have to think about: fitting in seats (restaurant booths, movie theaters, airplanes, arenas and other venues, etc.), seatbelts fitting, riding a rollercoaster, being somewhat athletic, being able to cross my legs, being able to buy clothes in a regular store, and so on. These are things that many people do not even think of, unless they have been overweight. It isn't about vanity, though. I just want to feel better in this body.

So with all of that said, I am currently planning on having surgery in Memphis, and I am hoping for a surgery date sometime in February 2016. Hopefully I will get to have a consult with my surgeon before Christmas. Yes, this was a quick decision, but I have never felt more sure about something in my life.

So with all of that said, with all of my worries about it and how hard I know it will be, I think one more thing...

IT WILL BE WORTH IT.

We shall see...

<3 Tara

Success!!

So I had planned on writing last night, but I was just exhausted and went to bed.  By updating this morning, I may be late for work, so this may be kind of short and sweet.

Yesterday was weigh-in day #1.  I lost 9 lbs! I was honestly hoping for 10+, but I'm not gonna cry over 9, because that's a dang good start in my eyes.  All of this struggle and hard work this week was made worth it on the scale last night.  And let me tell ya, this week has been SUPER HARD at times.  Oddly enough, I've been craving healthy stuff, like veggies, fruits, and fresh grilled meat.  One day, I'll get to have these things again, but for now I've gotta stick with the plan.  I felt at times this week like I could gnaw my arm off.  I haven't really been HUNGRY, but nothing that I eat is SATISFYING, really.  It fills me up, but it's not what I wanted.  Kinda like when you're craving Chinese food and you eat Mexican food, it's just not the same!

I was in the gym three times last week.  I got in my 2000 PA (physical activity).  This week, my goal is to get at least 3000 or more.  We also had a challenge this week of burning 50 more PA than our highest day last week.  My highest day last week was 775, so needless to say, I had to work my booty OFF last night, but I did it! I got 990 last night in one night.  That's 60 straight minutes of cardio, kids! And it really felt GOOD.

The basement is getting closer to done each day, and this is what makes me REALLY happy.  My own space, and a bathtub that I can relax in after these hard workouts.  And I have to take this time to say that I have really seen my friends and family step up to help support and encourage me through this.  Thank you all!  Luis has been faithful in going to the gym with me, and it helps more than you can imagine.  Prayers, support, encouragement, it all means so much.  Of course, there has been one person that obviously didn't want me to succeed, due to the change it would cause in the dynamic of our relationship.  He can kick rocks for all I care.  I don't need his negativity.  I will move on...on to a happier, healthier me...and on to the next one, that will love me for me!

I think this is going to work, and I'm no longer scared about it or nervous.  All I'm thinking now is that I probably need to find a sugar daddy or a money donor or something to pay for my plastic surgery once I get the weight off.  Ha!

<3 Tara

Ready....Set....Go!!

I'm starting a new journey tomorrow.

Honestly, I'm pretty much scared to death about it.  I have spoken with my kids at work before about the scary parts of success and failure, and here I sit thinking about both of them.  If I'm successful, there's a whole new set of worries/frustrations/concerns that come about, and if I fail, well, you get the point.  To be honest, being successful at this point is more frightening than failing, but I'm not going to let that hold me back for a second.

So, I'm sure you're wondering what this journey is, eh?  Well, I'm starting the HMR diet here at Burton Creek in West Plains.  Basically, for those of you that have no idea what it is, it is a VLCD (very-low calorie diet).  It requires that I eat at least three shakes and two of their pre-prepared/packaged meals daily.  I can eat more, but I have to eat at least that much.  I know, I know, it sounds a bit extreme.  BUT...I have been struggling with this extra weight my entire life, and I always swore that I didn't want to enter my 30's like this.  In fact, I'd really like to find a man worthy of me and have a family before I get too old and I feel like my weight has been holding me back from this for a long time.  I have always prided myself on loving myself as is and not letting my self-esteem be lowered because of others' opinions on me, especially my physical being.  However, there comes a time when I have to admit to myself that I would be A LOT happier with myself if I did something about this.  I can honestly say that the amount of pride and the feeling of accomplishment that I would gain from losing weight alone would be worth more than words can say.  I am walking into this knowing that it is going to be a battle that is going to take every ounce of motivation and strength that I have, but I know that I can fight it.  I've always been a little competitive, a bit of a fighter, and with something laid out in front of me so clearly, I don't really see a way for me to screw it up, as long as I keep my focus on the goal and not the obstacles that might occur while working to achieve it.  

I ask that if you are a close part of my life and have faith, that you say a little prayer for me to stay strong.  I know that I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13) and I know that He will be here with me through the whole journey, through the good and the bad. 

I honestly don't know what I would do with myself if I was skinny....I don't think I know how to be skinny. Haha.  I guess we'll just have to see what happens...are ya with me?

<3

Tara

Weight Watchers?

After careful consideration and thought about what my plan of action needs to be in order to tackle the weight loss battle, I've decided to go back to good old Weight Watchers.  I've done it before and honestly, it was one of the only things that has ever REALLY worked for me.  There is structure, support, and socialization which is what I need more than anything right now.  I need some people that are willing to help me, Tara Billings, out a little bit.  And I'm okay with saying that now. :)

I just purchased my monthly pass and will go in for my first weight in tomorrow morning.  I had planned on being in bed quite a while ago, because I haven't been feeling well.  I'm pretty sure that I have strep throat, because not only is my throat killing me, but it feels like I have swallowed a tennis ball and according to the parentals, there are white spots on my tonsils.  I guess I may have to make a trip to Urgent Care in the morning as well. Ugh. Dread.

So my weekend was pretty, uh, strange.  I am the queen of bad decisions sometimes and this weekend was one to go down in the history books.  However, starting at about noon on Saturday I started making some good decisions.  I have realized that I am so picky when it comes to relationships that I may just be single, and apparently, God just intended for some people to be single.  I don't like the thought of this, honestly, because I WANT a family, but I'm going to give it up to Him for now.  I've had rotten luck finding a man, so it's time to fully trust in God to send me one and oddly enough, this was my Chinese food cookie fortune today:

I'll definitely take that with a big smile on my pretty little face. :)

Tara

Wasting my time, in the waiting line..

Do you ever just have one of those moments that feels just a little too good to be real, so you don't even really want to tell anyone about it because you don't want to "jinx" it?  I'm kind of having one of those right now.  Things seem to be going pretty great in just about every aspect of my life right now, and that so very rarely happens, I don't really know what to do with myself and I feel like I should be holding my mouth a certain way just for good luck, so that things don't start to fall apart.  Or maybe, just maybe, I should look at it as maybe I'm not lucky, just blessed. :)

I took some time drawing tonight, which I literally have not done in years, but I found some old charcoal in a drawer and decided to draw myself.  I believe it turned out quite well, because you can definitely tell that it is me.

So, I've totally had the movie "Garden State" on the brain since Saturday.  So much, that I found it in my stash of movies.  I spent most of the weekend in Springfield with Emily, Josh, and several others on Saturday evening.  On Friday, though, I went to the mall by myself and wandered into a small store called Maceo's.  I absolutely LOVED some of the stuff in it, and the girl working there began making conversation with me.  Now, usually, when I'm in a store, I just want the salespeople to leave me alone so I can get what I need and get out, but something about this girl was different. She just seemed sweet and genuine.  She also did not seem from face value like someone that I would enjoy talking with or that I would have anything in common with, but she and I ended up talking for probably about 20 minutes.  Her name was Sarah and she just really made my day.  It was a lessen to me not to judge a book by its cover and also one of those moments where you are confirmed that there are still real, genuine people in the world.  The soundtrack from "Garden State" was also playing while I was in there, so that is what got me thinking about it.  She mentioned another movie that I need to see, "Away We Go" and it is now next in line on my Netflix queue.  I think I'll like it, though.  Anyway, if you're in Springfield, you should definitely check out the store and if Sarah is working (tall, pretty girl with dark, dark hair) spend some time talking with her.  I think you'll enjoy it. :)

This week is going pretty amazingly...I hope it just stays that way...

Yours,

T<3

Think progress, not perfection.

So, church was pretty amazing yesterday.  I meant to write about it yesterday, but it just didn't work out for some reason. The current series is called "Under Construction" and yesterday was about how to grow spiritually, basically.  The main principles of it were:

• Think relationally, not religiously.
• Religion focuses on self, relationship focuses on God.
• Religion is built on works, relationship is built on grace.
• Religion tends to judge others, relationship supports others.
• Think process, not performance.
• Spiritual growth should focus on steps, not rules.
• Spiritual growth will happen over time, not over night.
• Spiritual growth involves getting back up, not giving up.
• Think progress, not perfection.
• Spiritual growth is a journey, not a destination.
• Spiritual growth involves failure, not just success.
• Spiritual growth keeps looking forward, not backward.

I liked this a lot, because I believe that it also goes right along with losing weight, especially the last one.  I have always struggled with trying to be "perfect" when it comes to dieting.  I know it's horrible, but I'm one of those people that if I mess up and say, eat a chocolate cupcake, instead of eating lighter the rest of the day, I think "hey, I've blown today, so I might as well eat as bad as I want and start over tomorrow."  This is a killer to getting healthy, and the worst part is that I'm aware of it, but I seem to be powerless over changing it.  I then beat myself up over eating the darn chocolate cupcake in the first place, so much that it just makes me eat even worse the rest of the day.  It's a vicious cycle.  I'm also an "I'm gonna start on Monday" or "at the beginning of the month" type of dieter, and if I don't make it to the gym when I had it planned, I also feel like I've ruined the day.  I need to stop focusing on all of these rules that I've put forth on myself for dieting, because really, I'm not like this in most other aspects of my life.  I'm much more laid back and "go with the flow" for most things, except for getting healthier.  I guess my reasoning for putting this out here, is to ask for any advice that anyone might have about how to break myself from this?! Any and all will be much appreciated.

Yours,

Tara

This is the video from church yesterday. Just watch it!

A blog you say? Well, ok...

Who would have ever thought that I would be blogging? Certainly not me. I mean, I look at other people's blogs and they are lovely, and I like to read them, but surely my life is not really interesting enough for others to be much involved.  Okay, so yeah, I am a little silly, and a little funny, and I tend to smile a lot, laugh a lot, and enjoy life...but do I really have the time to sit down pretty often and write about it?  I may not, but I'm certainly going to try and make time...

So why did I decide to start a blog? That's simple, and the answer is accountability.  Truth be told, and just to get it all out there in the beginning, I've been trying to lose weight for YEARS and so far, to no avail.  I absolutely KNOW without a doubt in my heart of hearts, that I am capable of it.  I feel this way even more within the last six months, because about 4.5 months ago, I just quit smoking cold turkey.  Yes, I did use the patch, but I woke up one day (October 9, 2010 to be exact) and said "I'm not going to smoke today" and I haven't since then, not even a drag.  Unfortunately, when it comes to getting healthy and weight loss, I just cannot seem to get my motivation to stay with me.  It is, what most would call, a runaway. It just, takes the midnight train to Georgia and I wake up the next morning like, "whoa, wait a second, where's my motivation?!"  With that said, my hope in creating this blog is that it will be the anchor for my motivation.  A way for me to think about why I do what I do and to work to change these habits.  After all, I kicked the butt, and they say that's like harder than quitting heroin?! Certainly I can just begin to make some healthier food choices! I've had support in my journey with quitting smoking, though, and that's what I'm needing daily in my quest for getting healthy, so hopefully this will be it.  I'm sure there will be a few paths that I take occasionally as well that have nothing to do with my motivation and accountability - including dating (or lack thereof), frustrations, annoyances, and so on..but then again, they just might have more to do with my motivation that I think! Aha, I'm already having epiphanies. Sounds like I'm off to a fabulous start...

<3 Tara